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September 2004
“Christian, let go!” Elizabeth struggled to untangle herself from the arms wrapped around her waist.
Christian tightened his hold. She giggled and pushed against his chest.
His words came muffled into the crook of her neck where he pressed his mouth against her soft skin. “No,
stay.”
“I wish I could, but I have to get to class.” She pul ed back, her golden-brown eyes smiling into his
intense blue.
He pretended to pout but released his hold, al owing her to rol away from him. A faint smile tugged at his
mouth as he turned to lie on his stomach, watching as Elizabeth dressed in the late evening light filtering
in through the blinds of his bedroom window. She leaned down to pul her jeans onto her long, toned legs.
Locks of dark-blond hair cascaded in messy waves over her shoulder, obstructing her smal , heart-shaped
face, though every line, dimple, and curve had been burned into his mind. Everything about her made him
think of honey, the honey tinge of her eyes, the sun kiss of her skin, the sweetness of her mouth.
He’d known the moment he’d met her that they were perfect for each other. They’d been paired in a study
group four years ago during their freshman year at Columbia University. When he’d walked through the
door of the smal café and had first seen her, she’d taken his breath away.
Then when he’d sat down and talked to her, he found she was not only beautiful but one of the most intel
igent, compassionate people he’d ever met.
Like Christian, Elizabeth wanted to be an attorney though for entirely different reasons. While he planned
to become a real estate attorney so he could one day be a partner in his father’s law firm, Elizabeth was
going into family law, focusing on children’s rights. She wasn’t in it for the money. She thought it was the
best way for her to become an advocate for those who could not protect themselves.
The passion that came from Elizabeth’s mouth that first day had made Christian question himself—what
he
believed in and what he lived for. Even then, he’d been sure she would make him a better person. What
Christian had found most appealing was how laid-back she was through it al . So many of the girls he’d
met when he’d come to New York City had either been stuffy and boring or were only interested in
partying on the free ride their wealthy parents had given them.
But not Elizabeth. She was serious about school and committed to her future, but she stil took time to
enjoy every day of her life, something in which Christian had had a hard time finding a balance. He’d
always been pushed by his father to do the best, to be the best, and somehow he’d lost himself along the
way. He’d become arrogant, conceited, and completely wrapped up in himself. Elizabeth had chal enged
his self-serving attitude from the very start.
Christian had not been accustomed to being told no, yet somehow his typical charms had no effect on her.
Elizabeth was never one for frivolous things, a fling with a beautiful, black-haired, blue-eyed boy
included. When she’d first met Christian, it had been clear what he was after, and Elizabeth had never al
owed herself to be so careless with her affections. But as the semester had progressed and their study
sessions grew longer with conversations straying far from the topic of their class, she’d uncovered more
in him than the entitled frat boy she’d initial y thought him to be. She’d found when she dug deeper into his
past and broke through the egoistical façade, there was a good-natured boy who’d been emotional y
hindered by the pressures placed on him by his elitist parents.
So when he’d asked her out again four months after their first meeting, she’d given in. It was then she
realized she’d already fal en impossibly in love with a boy who came dangerously close to resembling
the type of man she swore she’d never al ow control of her heart.
They’d been inseparable ever since, spending every free moment of their busy schedules together.
Christian had asked her many times to move in with him, and while she found the idea of waking up next
to him each morning incredibly inviting, Elizabeth had always quietly refused, committed to the picture
she had painted in her mind from childhood. It was one of a new house with a new husband, a place
where she would become mother and he would become father, though she now found that picture skewed.
Elizabeth glanced over her shoulder at Christian as she prepared to leave, and a wave of guilt washed
over her for keeping it from him for so long. She’d known for a week.
Every day she intended to tel him, but each time she opened her mouth, the words just wouldn’t come.
Even with the progress she’d seen him make, growing from the self-centered teenager she’d met their first
year at Columbia to the kind-hearted man she knew now, he stil had his life mapped out; a plan he
intended to fol ow, and she was not sure how he was going to handle this news. She wasn’t concerned
about their relationship. She felt confident in their commitment to one another. They were solid. What she
was worried about was how much stress this would place on him. This wasn’t exactly what she’d
expected of her last year of under-grad before law school either.
Elizabeth just believed she was better at accepting what life threw her way.
Grabbing her backpack, she slung it over her shoulder and leaned down to place a quick kiss on
Christian’s lips.
“Bye. I’l see you tomorrow.”
He returned her kiss, lingering a little longer than she had. “I’l miss you.”
“Miss you too.”
Elizabeth turned and left Christian’s smal third-floor apartment. With each step, her feet grew heavier as
she wondered about the best way to tel him. By the time she reached the last set of stairs leading to the
ground floor, she’d convinced herself she just needed to get it out. She turned and raced back up the stairs.
She had a key, but for some reason, she felt the need to knock. She rapped loudly on his door.
Stretching, Christian yawned and sat up on the side of his bed, deciding he’d better get some studying in
since he’d spent most of the day in bed with Elizabeth. Not that he’d ever consider it a waste of time.
When someone knocked on his door, he quickly pul ed on his jeans from the floor and ran a hand through
his thick mass of black hair, having no idea what was awaiting him on the other side of the door.
Peering through the peephole, he caught sight of Elizabeth. He was confused—not by her presence, but by
the fact that she was standing outside his door, asking permission to enter. He swung the door open and
frowned.
“Elizabeth, what are you doing?”
“I need to talk to you.” The distinct anxiety laced through the words made him fearful, and he pul ed her
inside, shutting the door behind them.
“What’s wrong?” Obviously, there was something wrong, or she wouldn’t have been standing in his
apartment, staring at her feet with rigid arms held over her chest.
“I’m pregnant.”
Christian strained to her hear her whispered words, struggling to decipher them—he was sure she had not
just said what he thought she did.
Clearly, though, he was not mistaken when she final y brought her gaze to his, her eyes watery and afraid.
His hands began to shake, and he ran them nervously through his hair again as he al owed himself to real y
hear her.
A baby? That would ruin everything—everything he’d worked for, everything she’d worked for, and
every plan they’d ever made. His chest tightened, and for the first time in his life, he felt as if he might
have a panic attack. Part of him wanted to demand to know how she could have been so careless, before
the rational side of him made him accept whatever had happened was just as much his fault as hers. It was
the rational side that saw her shaking and wanted to comfort her, to tel her it would be okay. It was the
same side that told him not to panic and they had options. It didn’t have to be that big of a deal.
“Hey,” he said softly as he took a step forward to wrap his arms around her. He ran his hand through her
long hair to soothe her. Her face pressed into his chest as she released an audible sigh of relief with his
touch. “It’s okay,” he whispered calmly into the side of her head. “We’l get it taken care of.”
Elizabeth jerked back as if she’d been slapped and searched his face.
“Christian, you don’t real y expect me to do that, do you?” she asked, incredulous.
As much as Christian loved Elizabeth, he thought sometimes she just couldn’t see straight through her
idealistic mind. Of course they’d talked about her beliefs before, and he knew her viewpoint, but that was
before they’d been thrown into the situation. It changed things. He was convinced it was the only way.
“Elizabeth . . . you have to.”
Elizabeth shook her head, appearing to struggle against her tears. She backed two steps away from him.
“I’m having this baby, Christian.”
“Think about it, Elizabeth.” His words came out harsher than he’d intended, and Christian suddenly
realized just how angry he felt that she’d already made a decision without him. “How do you expect to go
through law school and have a baby? Have you even thought about it?” She had to see just how
impossible the situation was.
Elizabeth looked confused as if she couldn’t grasp what he was trying to say and stuttered, “I . . . I don’t
know.
We . . . we’l figure it out.”
Christian squeezed his eyes shut and turned away from her as she began to cry. He tried to rein in his
temper even though he real y wanted to yel at her and tel her just how stupid and irrational she was being.
This would ruin their lives—
his
life. Somewhat unconsciously, Christian found himself thinking thoughts
he’d worked so hard to overcome, thoughts of himself, what he needed, and what he wanted. Suddenly, he
didn’t see the hurting girl in front of him, the girl he loved, the girl he had every intention of spending the
rest of his life with.
He saw somebody standing in his way.
He turned quickly and leveled his eyes at her, his face hard as manipulative words fel from his mouth
before he could real y think through their meaning. “It’s me or the baby, Elizabeth. You can’t have us
both.” She swal owed deeply and nodded her head as she visibly accepted the ultimatum that Christian
had laid out before her. After al , Christian knew there was real y never a decision to make.
“Goodbye, Christian.” For the second time that day, he had to work to make sense of what Elizabeth had
said.
Pushing past him, she reached out to turn the doorknob.
“Elizabeth.” She paused when he cal ed her name.
From behind, Christian observed the rise and fal of her uneven breaths, shocked at the heartless words he
spat at her back, “Come back when you’ve changed your mind.” She shook her head as she swung the
door open and slammed it shut behind her.
Christian stared at the closed door, torn between running after her and waiting for her return. But if he
went after her now, he knew that meant one of them would concede, and it wasn’t going to be him.
Two hours later, Christian sat at his desk studying for his politics midterm, al the while listening intently
for the sound of footsteps outside his door he felt certain he would hear.
He trained his attention on the heavy textbook in front of him, trying to ignore the growing anxiety he felt
each time he picked up his cel phone to check if he’d missed any messages.
None came.
It was wel after midnight when he crawled into bed, convinced she just needed some time to realize he
was right. He had to be right. He wouldn’t al ow himself to think otherwise, so every time that wave of
guilt came, he pushed it aside.
He envisioned her awake, just as he was, tossing uncomfortably in her smal bed that rested in the far
corner of her studio apartment and slowly coming to terms with what she needed to do.
But when he dragged his unrested body from his bed the next morning, his phone was stil devoid of
messages.
He had been cruel—he knew it. He could only hope he hadn’t pushed her too far, but that she would
somehow understand he was just trying to protect their future.
Christian ate a bowl of cold cereal and then forced himself into the steam of his shower, desperate to find
anything to chase away his fatigue. He found his head in a cloud, both from lack of sleep and from the
scenarios running through his mind, ones including a life without Elizabeth.
What if she never came back?
Could he real y give her up?
As he rubbed the soapy sponge over his body, he tried to picture an existence without her. A life void of
the perfect pitch of her voice, the way it rang out when she laughed. A life in which he didn’t touch the
softness of her skin or have the right to pul her body against his. A life without a child crying out from the
next room as he tried, unsuccessful y, to study for the bar.
Groaning, he shook his head and forced it al away, tel ing himself it would not come to that.
He was certain when he saw her in class today, she would take her normal seat beside him in the lecture
hal , lean in, and whisper in his ear that he was right.
But when her seat remained vacant, his unease grew, gnawing at his stomach. The moment the professor
dismissed class, Christian raced from the room and to the café where Elizabeth and he studied every
Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. He frantical y scanned the room, finding several mildly familiar faces
but not the one he wanted to see.
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