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Cheaters Always Prosper
50 Ways to Beat the System Without Getting Caught
Please note that the tricks, scams, and cons presented here are for informational and
entertainment purposes only. It is not the author's or publisher's intent that the reader use this
book as a manual for illicit acts.
This book was written to entertain and inform readers, not to persuade them to commit an
illegal act. Please read this book with this proper reference in mind. Neither the author nor the
publisher wish to be responsible for the personal or corporate suffering of anyone.
Introduction
This book was written with the encouragement of some of my friends who have always turned
to me when they needed advice on getting out of something, into something, making easy
money, and other such miracles. I wrote this book for all the people out there who play by the
rules and wonder why other people get ahead. In short, rules were made to be broken. One
needs to stand back and look at the system once in a while and see how it really works. That
is, look at the under-the-table arrangements, the payoffs, the you- scratch-my-back-and-I'll-
scratch-yours deals and the blatant ripoffs that are part and parcel of our society.
I figured out how the world works when I was fifteen and working at a very prestigious country
club in California. I got the job because I was being a nice guy to the new kid at my high
school. His name was Aaron, and his locker was next to mine. Having been to ten or so schools
myself by that time, I knew the awkward and scared feelings of being the new kid, so I
introduced myself to him. We ate lunch together and hung out that weekend. It turned out that
his father had just moved their family to my area because he had been hired as the new tennis
pro at a select membership country club about ten minutes away from where I lived. My
parents were breathing down my neck to get a job because I was old enough to start learning
the value of money... get a job ... blah, blah, blah, and something about money and trees. I
was pissed and complaining to Aaron about what a drag it was, and he suggested that I get a
job as a caddie at the country club where his father worked. Aaron had just started working
there, and I was impressed with the tips he was making and the people he was meeting. If the
names of the people he caddied for were not in the opening credits of every major movie I
saw, they were on the front page of the Los Angeles Times business section on a daily basis.
The job sounded a lot more appealing than Food Preparation Technician (McDonald's
employee) or Petroleum Transfer Engineer (Chevron full-serve boy), positions that other kids
had taken. I decided to apply. Hurdle No. 1: I had to be eighteen to work there. Solution:
Aaron told me to lie about my age. I did. It worked.
Hurdle No. 2: They wanted documentation of my age (for insurance purposes, of course).
Aaron had lied, too, but had not needed documentation; apparently it would have been bad
form to ask the head tennis pro's son for proof of his age. I did have the problem. Solution: My
mother's secretary took pity on me. She falsified a few documents with some white-out, a
typewriter, and a copy machine that gave the country club a paper trail. When I gave the
paperwork to the caddie master, he smiled a knowing smile when he saw the Xeroxed
documents--and handed me the caddie test. Hurdle No. 3: The caddie test. I failed miserably.
The questions about caddie etiquette and rules were simple; they were common-sense
answers. The problem was that more than half of the test comprised maps of each hole on the
course, and I had to fill in yardages from all the natural landmarks on a hole in relation to the
putting green. For example, "this tree is 217 yards from the edge of the putting green, and this
rock formation is... " I told Aaron that I had failed. He told me I was stupid; no one passed the
test without cheating. Solution: I cheated on my makeup test--purposely leaving one wrong
answer--and I passed and prospered.
Hurdle No. 4: I got the job, but I didn't even know how to play golf. Solution: I bulled my way
through the first few rounds and learned quickly. (The game is so simple that I had to laugh at
the people who played it.) So there I was, at age fifteen, caddying for movie stars, producers,
captains of industry-- and making $75 to $100 per round. I was meeting incredible people,
spending my days on a world-class golf course, and getting paid four or five times as much as
friends who had routine jobs. What did I do? I got greedy. I wanted more money, and it was
there. There were some members of the club who were "new money" in every sense of the
term. The caddies loved them because they were the people who thought it was classy to tip
for anything and everything. Carry their bag from their car to a golf cart (forty or so yards),
and you'd have ten dollars for lunch. These people were also major tippers for a round of golf A
lot of them were professional sports players (or owned a team) and felt that the size of the tip
was a measure of their masculinity. These golfers were a real prize for a caddie; $200 to $500
per round was standard. These were the rounds every caddie wanted but only a few of us got.
Now, I understood that there was a hierarchy involved and I was at the end of the line, but I
was not satisfied with this arrangement. I worked my ass off for every round and players loved
me, so I talked to the caddie master about getting the better-paying rounds. I was told that
certain caddies had been around much longer and had more experience and, in a roundabout
way, that I should "shove it." I continued to work diligently for a measly $75 to $100 per round
as I watched certain caddies making, what I computed to be, over $50,000 a year, in cash.
After a while I finally got the chip off my shoulder and decided to become close to some of
them and learn from their infinite caddying wisdom. I learned to kiss a little more tush, which
raised my earnings slightly but I still was not getting the best rounds.
One day one of the more experienced caddies took me aside and explained to me how to get
the good rounds. In doing so, he also taught me how the world works. He was leaving the club
to follow his dream of becoming a professional golfer, and he recognized my work ethic and my
frustration. The trick was simple; I had to give the caddie master 10 percent of my tips under
the table, and he would make sure I was getting the best-paying rounds. I started paying off
the caddie master, and I became the richest fifteen-year-old around. The $200 to $500 rounds
were now mine too, along with front-row tickets to more major sporting events than I could
ever attend.
Caddying for people at this club taught me more about the road to success than any class or
book possibly could. I learned that an education is by no means a prerequisite for success. I
witnessed multimillion-dollar deals being cut over golf games, and the little extras thrown in to
the deals that could not be described as anything other than payoffs. In short, I received the
best education on bow the world really operates by seeing the inner workings that outsiders
are not supposed to see. I put this book together to reveal some of the inner workings that
make up our capitalist society to readers who are sick of playing by the rules but still have not
figured out how to break them and get away with it. I have tried most of what appears on the
following pages and gotten away with almost everything.
1 Screwing the Supermarket
Here's how to eat very well for very little money: Go to the butcher section of the local
supermarket and order two pounds of jumbo shrimp at $14.99 per pound and two pounds of
beef by-products (for the dog, of course) at 79¢ per pound. Both of the packages are wrapped
in white butcher paper with price stickers on them. Switch the labels and ditch the beef by-
products behind some frozen TV dinners. When you pay for your shrimp, you are charged for
the beef by-products on the price sticker. This is a great method for buying choice cuts of meat
and other expensive butcher items. Note: Watch out for cameras in the ceiling of the
supermarket, as well as employees moving around through the store. If you are caught peeling
the labels off, just say you were checking the freshness of the meat and you accidentally put
the labels back on the wrong package. You can also try the following: A girl-friend baked a
birthday cake for a surprise party thrown for me and it turned out perfectly. It was honestly
delicious and everyone loved it, but for some reason the baker was totally dissatisfied with the
way the cake turned out. Perhaps it was in my honor that she did what she did. Whatever the
reason, I was impressed with her actions. She took the empty packages--boxes, icing, etc.--
back to the store with her receipt. The key thing that she brought back to the store, however,
was the carton of milk used to make the cake. Although the milk was fresh, she poured a little
lime juice into it, which gave it a rotten odor and curdled it. She took all of the cake ingredients
to a store manager, had him smell the milk and demanded a refund. She told him that
everyone who had eaten the cake suffered food poisoning and that the party had been ruined.
The manager was apologetic and he not only refunded all the cake mix ingredients, but he
gave her a $150 gift certificate for purchasing other groceries. This scam can be worked with
many different kinds of food in the market.
2 Free Meals in Expensive Restaurants
When traveling, I go to the most expensive restaurants available. I always run up large tabs
with good wine, appetizers, entrees, and then dessert. Dessert is the surprise because I bring a
small bag of shards of broken glass to the table. I put a shard of glass in the dessert and then
call the waiter over about it. I tell him that I cut my mouth on the glass and to check the
kitchen to be sure that no other food has broken glass in it because some customers would sue
over something like this. Usually the manager or owner is at my table within thirty seconds
kissing my butt and refusing to let me pay for the meal. I accept. Sometimes however, I run
into people who suspect me of planting the glass, and they are much more difficult to deal
with. One time, the manager wouldn't buy my story. I had the dessert removed from the tab
but had to pay $120 for the rest of the meal. Since then, I have added a climax to the routine.
Most costume shops sell capsules of fake blood. The capsules are filled with syrupy sugar-water
that looks like blood. During dessert, I crush a couple of them in my teeth, and let a little bit
dribble down my cheek. Then I spit some of the fake blood on my napkin and make sure it is
all over my teeth when I call the waiter over to show him the shard of glass. This works every
time but I now have to make sure that no one calls an ambulance. I always leave a good tip for
the waiter or waitress. If you still want to eat for free or at a discount and not have to make a
scene, never underestimate the power of complaining. In the restaurant business the customer
is always right, and this can be exploited. Pick any corporate chain of restaurants. Call the
corporate office to complain about bad service, food, environment, etc. Tell the customer
service department that you were treated rudely or ignored or that you received an
unsatisfactory meal, and you can be sure that they will offer you another meal, gratis, to keep
you as a satisfied customer. Fast-food restaurants will usually give you restaurant coupons,
and more upscale restaurants, more likely a gift certificate for lunch or dinner for two. just tell
them that you have been a loyal customer, and request the complimentary meal if they do not
offer it. The following are some workable complaints: Bad service; rude waiter; dirty, hung-
over- looking waiter; flat drinks; cold food; stale bread; dirty dishes; dirty environment
(restaurant and restrooms); something foreign in the food; etc. Be creative! There is one more
way to get a free meal. I have been to restaurants that have picked up my check because I sat
in chewing gum in a booth or chair. I wear pants that I do not care about or jeans from which
gum can be removed, and I plant some chewed gum on my seat. Then I complain that the
pants were very expensive and that they have been ruined. The manager will usually waive the
tab for this, too. All You Can Eat... for a Week There's another restaurant trick which is
applicable to the all-you-can-eat buffet setup. I learned the following from older and wiser
friends in college: bring Tupperware in a bag when you go out to a meal at an all-you-can-eat
establishment. Fill the containers with food from your plate and tray. A woman can also line a
tote-bag or purse with aluminum foil and just empty her plate into the bag. It is best to choose
an out of the way table so other diners aren't staring at you. I also recommend bringing bags
or anything else that does not look conspicuous on the table but will conceal your packaging
procedures. You can make enough trips to have food for days. This is also a very practical way
to save time on cooking since you can microwave the leftovers. Note: Try to pick foods that will
last in your refrigerator. Many types of food are only good when they have been freshly
prepared.
3 Free Food and Booze in Hotels
Many large hotels contain restaurants and bars. When I travel, I also eat and drink in hotels
because I can put the bill on someone else's tab. I wait until I see someone leaving his hotel
room and note the room number. After I make sure he is not checking out, I can tell
waitresses to charge food and drinks to "my room" (which is actually the room of the other
person). In most cases you will have to sign for whatever you order. When you sign for it, look
on the tab and you will usually find the name of the person footing the bill next to the room
number. I recommend signing the name in a scrawl. If the name of the person to whose room
you are charging your bill is not on the tab when you have to sign it, just write in completely
illegible pigeon-scratch, and they won't know the difference. (See a doctor's signature on a
prescription for a good example of a completely illegible signature.) If you do get the name of
the person from the tab, make a note of it. Then, if you really have chutzpah, you can request
the hotel limo driver to take you to nightclubs, theaters, and so on. It is best to call the front
desk and request the limo so you do not have to see the clerks in person, who might recognize
you. The request should be as follows: "Hello, this is John Doe in Room 314. I'm having a drink
in the lounge, and I was wondering if I could get the hotel limo to drop me off at [blank]?"
Sometimes you will find that the limo has already been reserved, but they will usually squeeze
you in for a quick trip if you turn on the charm. If all goes well, they tell you the limo will be
waiting in front of the hotel for you at the time you requested. Don't worry about any charges
to the room of the person you are impersonating, because he will not have to pay the bill if he
refutes the charges. By that time you had better be long gone. Free Stay at Hotels (Without
the Room) Another great aspect of large hotels is that you can stay at them without taking a
room. When I was in college, my friends and I traveled all over the country in a convertible
during the summer. We would sleep under the stars every night and freshen up in comfortable
hotels in the mornings. The staff at large hotels never know who is a guest and who is not, so
when we walked into a hotel and acted like actual guests, we were treated like them. Usually
the upscale hotels have a swimming pool, hot tub, tennis court, and men's and women's
bathrooms by the pool so that people can shower and dry off before going back inside. We
would use these bathrooms to get cleaned up after a morning swim or tennis game. In some
resort areas, like Palm Springs, we would spend an entire day lounging around the pool where
live bands played reggae music. We were playing volleyball, meeting new people, and charging
everything to other people's rooms. We traveled through North America in grand style and
hardly paid for anything. The key to pulling it off was acting like we were staying in the hotel.
If we hopped a fence to get into the pool security would nail us. On the other hand, when we
walked through the lobby with bags we looked like guests. This is a good example of how to
get away with something by being completely obvious about it. Free Towels, Toiletries, and Tea
Often the bathrooms in five-star hotels will have all the necessary toiletries laid out for your
use. This is always a great way to stock up on towels for your own living quarters. I have a
collection of white towels that furnish every bathroom in my house. All the extras are great for
dishrags and washing and waxing cars. Mornings in hotels are also good for complimentary
continental breakfasts, which are commonly laid out buffet-style for the guests. If I bring
reuseable containers, I can usually steal enough food for lunch, too. Hotels are also a great
place to pick up a nice set of silverware instead of buying it. A buffet setup often leaves all of
the spoons, knives, and forks out for the guests to take for themselves. Dishes are a little
harder to steal, and hotel dishes usually look like hotel dishes, but if you want them ... well,
there's no accounting for taste.
4 Borrowing Brand-New Cars
One morning I woke up knowing I had to drive down the coast to have lunch with a friend and
pick up some paperwork. It was such a beautiful day that I absolutely had to drive a
convertible. I refuse to pay money to rent a cheesy convertible, so I set my mind to borrowing
a fancy one. I went to the Ford dealership and told a salesman that a relative had just left me
some money and I wanted to treat myself to a convertible. I test drove a fully-loaded Mustang
GT convertible and I told the dealer everything he wanted to hear such as "I love it, I want it,
It's a great price." (It was overpriced by five thousand dollars.) I could almost see the
commission dollar signs spinning in his eye sockets. He asked me what be could do to make
me drive home in the Mustang that day. My response was that I wanted to drive it around for
the day and get a better feel for the car. Five minutes later, they had filled the tank and sent
my on my merry way. When I returned it, I told the dealer that I had promised to look at my
mother's friend's Mustang, which she had just bought and did not like. I said she was offering
it to me for a great price, but that I hated the color, so I would be back in the morning to buy
the one I borrowed. I never called him back. Two days later I had to drive down the coast
again and had the same dilemma: beautiful day and no convertible. This time I went to the
BMW dealership and gave the dealer the same line. He was a tougher egg to crack because he
wanted proof that I had the money in the form of bank statements. This was a big hurdle. I
had to have that convertible BMW, though, so I went to my bank. I deposited a $75 check into
my account and entered $75,000 at the cash machine where I made my deposit. It gave me a
transaction receipt that said my balance was over $75,000. I then took out some money and
used the receipt to show the dealer. I also went inside the bank and told the teller I was in a
rush and I had made a mistake in my deposit. She was very nice and fixed it for me
immediately. I still had the receipt. I showed it to the dealer, and I was out the door with a
convertible BMW for the day.
5 New Paint Job and New Windshield for Free
My car's windshield had a crack in it, and I got a ticket before I had a chance to have it fixed. I
did not want to pay for the new windshield or the ticket. While I was driving one day, I made a
note of some government workers repairing the road near my home. They were patching and
repaving parts of the highway, and there were pebbles and gravel all over the road. I went to a
car dealership and got an estimate for a new windshield (and for a new paint job for the front
of my car while I was at it). The estimate was about $2,400, and I sent a copy of it with a copy
of my cracked-windshield ticket to the state highway department. In my letter to them, I asked
them to pay for the windshield, the paint, and the ticket. I figured that they would refute the
claim or try to pay for only a percentage of the bill. Instead, they sent me a check for the
entire amount I had asked for. I paid my ticket, replaced my windshield, and pocketed the
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